Shit that happens at/pre Desi Weddings

“Shaadi ka ladu jo khaaye wo pashtaye, jo na khaaye woh bhi pashtaaye”

If you ever, I repeat EVER get the chance to attend a desi wedding, please DO NOT at any cost miss the chance of a lifetime. Why, you ask? It’s because the sights you’ll get to witness at a desi marriage ceremony, you won’t be able see anywhere else in the world. You’ll get to meet a variety of people before and during the events and those individuals will forever leave a mark (read scar) on your mind.

Of all the shaadi’s I’ve attended including my own siblings’, the one thing I’ve come to realize is, that wedding ceremonies are the hub of mischief and chaos. Every opportunist cousin/family friend/phuphokifriendkibehenkibeti will create a controversy out of thin air just for the sake of seeking some attention that they unfortunately can’t get from anywhere else.

There are four basic types of people you will come across on Pakistani weddings:

1. The overly sensitive relative (read cousin/aunt/uncle)

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These are the ones who will very conveniently twist your words and actions into Harpic toilet cleaner and flush them in the toilet along with their resentment and vindictiveness. Their sole purpose is to somehow divert the attention to themselves. Allah Bachaye in se! (God save us all from the wrath!)

2. The dancing queen who puts Katrina Kaif’s moves to shame. 

This person just has to, I repeat HAS to butt in every dance routine, thinking he/she owns the dance floor. They think they can dance but they don’t know the misery they inflict on others. Save us mortal beings the eye sores please!

3.  The rishta kerwanay wali Aunty jee.

“Allah ke waastay rishta kerwa doe baba”

The “rishtay kerwanay wali” aunty is a character known to all. She has taken it as a moral obligation to herself that she has to hook up every eligible bachelor/bachelorette and creepily gawk at them until they get uncomfortable and politely (forcefully) greet them (say salaams). The aunty doesn’t let the opportunity pass by and quickly takes mental notes of your credentials and matches them to a prospective boy or girl.  (Note to self: avoid such aunties at all costs, they are a hazard to the society)

4. The poor soul who has no idea what’s going on. 

“Who?! What?! The flowers weren’t supposed to be mixed with the mehndi(henna)? That guy dancing with that girl isn’t actually her fiancé? It’s like I’ve been living under a rock all this time.” – The poor soul who has no idea what’s going on and is trying their best to somehow go with the flow.

Needless to say these are the people who make our weddings a little more colorful (read rangeen) than they already are, but if you wish to avoid a train wreck, it’s best to maintain safe distance from the track!

This article was originally written by me for cambiarnews.com

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