I Feel The Idea Of Him

Circa 2012 – A tale of love and loss

I feel it, I feel you in the air sometimes. Even though we haven’t seen each other in 3 years now, it still feels like yesterday that I walked in from those gates and saw your crooked dimpled smile. You and I didn’t know each other or did we? It seemed that we had always known one another. We sat on that bench underneath that deciduous tree, in that sweltering heat, talking for hours and you heard me speak on the phone and smiled that smile of yours that melted my insides and made my knees weak.

I used to try to brush my shoulder against you every time I laughed so that I could feel you. Your musky, lived in scent laced with AXE body spray, cigarette smoke and traces of weed was heady. I thought to myself, could it be that this guy might actually like me for who I am? Sharp edges and all? Or was it too good to be true? They say he’s damaged goods. He’s different, he’s above the triviality of this world, and he got over her fairly quickly after she decided to move on to greener pastures.

He looked after me like his own, cared when no one was watching and stood by me when I had no one by my side. I still feel him, the dreams I dream of him are still so tangible, but he didn’t love me.

You see, he didn’t love me. Perhaps people didn’t let him love me or the time didn’t allow him to. He didn’t love me enough to hold my hand long enough and he let me go to another. He saw potential in me when no one else did, made me realize what I was worth, that I was someone with substance but when the time came for him to show me what he meant through his own actions, he backed out.

Seven years of courtship were supposed to lead to a happily ever after, but we forgot that we weren’t living in a fairytale and love didn’t pay bills in the real world. We live in a society that worships money, money buys respect and affection, when you have no money, you’re a nobody and nobodies aren’t entitled to their wants. Nobodies can only cater to their needs not their wants; wanting is for somebodies.

We were nobodies together, but he refused to commit and take charge and then when he finally realized that he missed me, it was already too late. Oh, but I still feel him sometimes, I miss him. I miss his companionship, I honestly just miss the person, my person that I had found in him. He was my friend.

In some screwed up, twisted way, he was my male counterpart. His warped way of thinking might have seemed quirky to others but to me, it was appealing. My state of mind today is similar to what his was back then, so now I think of him more than ever. I feel that he left an imprint on me that is revealing itself now, except he is no longer there to witness it or help me through it like I helped him through it back then.

I don’t want to think about him, but little things remind me of him. Parrots, watermelons and cigarette smoke remind me of him. The idea of him is better than the reality and perhaps it’s better to let it be.

Disclaimer: This is a fictional piece of work, any resemblance to any person is purely coincidental.

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