I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because I’m thinking of worst case scenarios in my head in the middle of the night. I’m also thinking of the fickleness of life and how little we actually know about the people we say we love.
When was the last time you asked someone you love and admire what their favorite food is? Or what their favorite color is? Do we even bother getting into these trivialities? Such mundane things? We choose to let them slide, thinking that they don’t matter when in actuality they do. They matter the most when you’re trying to grasp slipping grains of sand. When you realize that the people you love might become people you once loved. Yes, that’s what it takes, just a simple shift from the present to the past tense.
You start thinking of the person you love and adore and then you think to yourself, how little do I actually know about them – In the sense of knowing the tiniest details about them? What happens when you try to remember them and you can’t find what you’re looking for when you jog your memory? You think you know and love someone by observing them through time, but you don’t ask them what they need to be asked or needed to be asked at the time.
You let it slip, you let it slide. You didn’t bother inquiring how she was feeling? Or what she wanted or what mattered to her? Heck, you didn’t even know what her favorite color or her favorite flower was, but you loved the way she loved and cared for you. You took what you got, you didn’t bother going into the details, digging deeper into the persona.
You know what the saddest part in all of this is? You realize everything when it’s too late, when you can no longer make amends in the present and can only relive the past over and over again, that too a past that you observed through your eyes, not the one you chose to inquire about and listen closely to.
I just know that you love having fruit, sometimes even late at night. I just know that you like more milk in your cup of tea. I just know that you have a soft heart and a warm smile and a welcoming look whenever someone walks into your room. You’ve always had a such a knowing look, I’m sure that all those lengthy conversations with God gave you profound wisdom. I just know that you care deeply and can’t bear seeing the people you love in pain. I know so little. Oh so little.
So now, you’re deciding to take all the pain away once and for all.
I just hope and pray that you’re happy.