As much as I try to write here on Abscratches I can’t seem to break out of my comfort zone and write what I truly ache to write. I sometimes feel that anonymous blogs have a slight edge to them because of their anonymity. A person can really explore their own depths while hiding underneath a state of faceless obscurity.
You don’t have to be bound by social norms or the fact that your third uncle’s fourth daughter’s husband’s brother might be reading your reveries and discussing your personal life with another twenty people in the vicinity.
The society I live in, there’s absolutely no room for error. The simple act of breathing is accounted for, and it doubles when you’re married. Some individuals are lucky enough to be married into emancipated, liberated in-laws but that isn’t the case for ninety percent of Pakistan.
I love where I live but I find the people here appalling and I’m not afraid to call them out on their bullshit. I can rant all I want here but when it comes to actually acting on my impulses, the consequences that follow aren’t entirely pleasant.
I have to bite my tongue and hold my thoughts before uttering a single syllable knowing very well that the moment it slips out of my mouth it will be held against me for the rest of eternity.
Circling back to my original thought, the reasons why I exercise caution in writing on my blog are the things I stated above and then some. There are people who know who’s behind these everyday chronicles and they’re the kind of judgmental pricks, (um..excuse my french) who choose to sit in their houses with a garam piyali of chai (hot cup of tea) and crackers and call a bunch of other likeminded individuals over and gossip like there’s no tomorrow.
Gossip is called chugli in our language whereas colloquially it is called haww haye. The Urdu language is so beautiful, it knows exactly how to address and attribute, befitting of the act itself. I’m a woman myself and I can reassure you that eighty percent of the conversations that take place between women is about other women. I’m not on the path to righteousness here, I’m guilty of the act myself, but I have tried to reason and give the benefit of the doubt whenever there is such talk. I try to be balanced in my conversations and I refrain from passing pointless judgments.
If I write something extremely personal here, I know somebody from my kith and kin would either call my parents-in law or my own parents to talk about “what’s up” with me and my state of mind. We can never take things as they are and move on. There’s always a deeper meaning, a hidden perspective that we are searching for, and really…I wonder why though.
If the shoe fits, go right ahead. Does it really have to be written about you or someone else you know? Does it have to be discussed? You ran out of juice for your next soirée so you decided to extract it from another source and use it to your advantage.
Today, I’ve decided that I will write with the freedom I should’ve exercised in the first place and to not let the naysayers discourage my writing. Writing is my catharsis, my hobby, my career and something I’ve enjoyed doing since the age of 13. I would be lying if I said I don’t write to be read, yes, I write for myself but I also like my blog to be read, my little reveries might not be of interest to many but to a few of those to whom they are, they mean a lot to me. They add fuel to my passion, and I’m grateful for that.